yesterday i went to school. i didn't want to go though. when i woke up this morning, i didn't want to go anywhere. i wanted to stay shut-in and isolated from the rest of the world for just one day. i want to sleep, but i don't want to have any dreams, i hate dreaming. it's kind of sad. at least i was able to eat today.
i don't feel any will to keep living for myself though. even if i'm trying to live like a normal person, trying my best to look for the small things in life that could maybe bring me some sort of answer, there's still nothing. my expectations have always been too high. i'm aware of this, but even though i'm aware, i can't bring myself to change anything. i don't think i'm worth it. i don't think i'm worth helping, i'm not worth working on and i'm not worth the time and energy. i want to reach out for help, and i know for a fact that i need to seek help, but it's really no use. something always stops me. that's one thing i'm not aware of, i don't know what keeps stopping me. maybe it's laziness or lack of care. i hope not.
i hate breaking dishes. it's always scared me, but i'm not exactly sure what is the most unnerving thing about it.
there's too much at once. i hate all of this.
i wish i could live. staying alive is the minimum.
i want to feel like a real person again, not just this hollow, empty vessel that i'm trapped in. is my skin really mine? am i seeing with my own eyes? am i really "myself", or is it just the shell? it gets so lonely. it feels so dim. this body is in constant pain, deformed and bound to collapse on itself one day. that's what happens to old homes when they go too long without someone living in it. neglect, disregard and dissappointment tear down my foundations. this vessel is bound to collapse one day.
maybe things will be better today. i need to sleep while i still can.
i don't like waking up. i don't like mornings, i was never a morning person. i don't like being here, surrounded.
i feel an impending sense of doom. there aren't really any physical threats, but i still have an uneasy feeling. it feels like something is after me. it feels like something horrible will happen to me. i dread every day, every passing moment. i don't feel safety, barely any sense of it. i hope it's just paranoia, and nothing else. intuition scares me.
i have some good news though! i got some food today. i ate a burger and it was good. i got to be with my partner for a while after we got our food, and it was comforting. my classes weren't too bad, and i get to take my medications soon. i like it when it feels like i have my life together.
i really don't like waking up. but at least today wasn't bad. it feels like it rushed by. my classes felt short and they ended quickly. but at least i got to see someone i really cared about after all of my classes ended. they made me feel safe and happy. i rarely feel that. it felt like i was being rewarded for making it through another day. i was able to eat, and i took my medications. maybe things will get better for me.
i really like being with them. I really like being in their presence. they might not know it, but they've saved my life. they've given me a reason to keep trying to live.
today i made them a bracelet. i got a little hurt in the process, but it was worth it. they really loved it, and seeing them so happy over something i created made me feel like i had a purpose, like i was worth something. we started making a blanket together before they left for work. every time they leave i miss them. it feels like i can't function properly without them. i really like being around them.
today, the lingering guilt came back to me. i need to stop being so selfish. paranoia makes me avoid things. it makes me avoid going outside, talking to people, and gets in the way of my attempt to live. i feel horrible about it. because what if someone needs me and i'm too caught up in my own problems? what if someone wants confrontation?
i'm just selfish. i don't deserve anything. i don't deserve kind people that complement me through a screen. i don't deserve kindness. i don't deserve someone who makes me want to live. i don't deserve anything.
i dread waking up tomorrow.